Being Kachou

When you're a French girl in the country of lumberjacks, you also want to have your idyll with a big bearded guy remotely looking like a hipster with an ax on his shoulder.

So I throw myself into the adventure of seducing a Canadian guy, I thought that it was going to be an easy task but it rapidly became a path filled with obstacles. I will also re-label this article "When Kachou dated Goliath", just to give you a taste of the situation.

In France, when you're a girl: young, old, beautiful, ugly big, small, thin, fat; the seduction is in your genes and falls on you at a very young age. By seduction, I mean these hungry guys who think with their cocks and grip you as if you were a prey, but you could find 2 or 3 that can be ok!

With my insurance of a French girl and my skinny jeans, I went with friends to a bar. As Robocop, I analyze the bar and its content. Important thing to know, Canadians are not the most attractive people in the world – it is a fact. After my examination, I spotted a young man. Passive attack - engaged! I remain at the bar drinking my drink with my friends strategically positioned 3 meters in front of my "target". Wild deer eyes - engaged! I look at him, while playing with the straw of my gin and tonic. This has been 45 minutes that I'm drinking the same gin and tonic, and my target is still not reacting to my beautifulness. I am not fatalist, but it hurts my inside beauty, so I swallow the end of my gin and tonic and order another one.

I am switching to my target number two in addressing the same strategy: position, look and a touch of sensuality. Unfortunately a knock back again...- Giant stab into my ego.

Given these two bitter failures, I decided to download "Tinder". This app is revolutionary because you can speak only to guys with whom you got a "match" with. Well I grant you, it is also extremely cruel because you can, have zero "match". For Kanye West it would be the app from hell. So little advice, if you have the same ego as Kanye West (plus minus 20%) avoid using Tinder.

Here I am, entering this sphere of virtual seduction – exciting! After couple hours I end up with 10 "matches" - I'm not a girl posting pictures of me in a bathing suit. Having a match is like having an orgasm of champagne in your stomach - it stings, it feels good without a headache. For all of my matches I decided to send the same elevator speech "Hey! How are you doing?" or the variant "Hey! How's your day going?". Between the non-responses and the DTF (note: "down to fuck"), I began conversations with young Canadian males - My lumberjack is close I can feel it! After a few days one of them suggested to go out for a drink. In my head it was like and confetti explosion and I said to myself "I'll have the first date of my life" strange but satisfying feeling.

As a flashback, I picture myself sitting in the movie theater watching the movie "La vérité si je mens 2" (note: a French movie) and be at the scene where they are in a convertible and one of the characters says "you do not know what a date is? Date it is you think you'll fuck but in fact you're not going to fuck. "

Let’s go to that first d-a-t-e of my l-i-f-e! I arrive at the bar with some anxiety "Will I recognize him?” – Pressure. He arrives - late - we discuss it accompanies me to the subway, we kissed and we left each other. In "general" in France once you finished a date, you send a quick message to say that you had a good time and that you would like to see him/her again (or not) and all the crap – only if you spent a good night, if it was a great night you should had have sex. But, no message, not even a little "nice to meet you" or even a tiny "Have good night” from my date. This affront and the rape of my mouth – he kissed me without my express consent - I propose a date to "Tinder Guy # 2". But before my date, which was 3 days after my date with Tinder Guy # 1, I receive a message from #1 saying "I spent a really good time the other day, I hope we could do the same soon" my first reaction was opening my eyes very widely and expressing myself with a very Parisian "euhhhhhh? ". I responded by saying “sure will be great!” and I went see my Tinder Guy # 2.

The same scenario repeated he arrives- late - we discuss it accompanies me to the subway, we kissed and we left each other.

I started writing a little message to tell him I had good time with him and I wanted to see him again - Why not sending the message that Tinder Guy # 1 has sent me? It may be cruel, but I'm in real lack of inspiration right now... But, no response from Tinder Guy # 2.

Unexpectedly, 3 days after my date with #2, he replies to my text. And then there was like a light of intelligence standing on top of my head - I know this is a bulb but I wanted to write something more creative. Why two guys that I dated separately have the same habit...?

Not to dwell too much I suggest a second date to Tinder Guy # 2, the same scenario repeated he arrives, - late - we discuss it accompanies me to the subway, we kissed and we left each other. And as a non-surprise – surprise!!!!! - I get a message 3 days later. I deeply know that in this world hazards do not exist there are just coincidences - and the coincidences are as rare as lunar eclipses in Finland in the month of July.

Rubbing beard and reflection mode - Engaged!

First reflex when you want to learn and know something you Google it, so I type "3 and date" into Google, simple but effective because I found all the information about the rule of 3 in the date biosphere: - you sleep after 3 dates – he/she contacts you after 3 days - you're officially a girlfriend after 3 months - you can have up to 3 dates at the same time.

I would like to make a small digression on the multiple dating which, for a 28 year old French girl, is a weird concept and I am calling it unacknowledged granted polygamy. Basically you test with 2 or 3 guys and you chose the most viable one - survival of the species.

After my little Colombo moment, I embark on my third date looking forward to some body pleasure with Tinder Guy # 1 – it has been eight months that I'm alone so I’m allowed say that I want sex. As a kind of prophecy the rule of the 3 dates became a reality, as if Google was God and it knew everything about everything - Note to myself Canadians have small dicks...

I convince myself to start writing a thesis - with practice – around the date in Canada. I go on dates with Tinder Guy # 3 # 4 and # 5. It was as if I held the universal knowledge of the date, I know all the tricks, things to say and not to say, I was the queen of the date! But my reign was short, because after all my third dates I was able to keep only Tinder Guy # 1 and # 4 - and yes I started in the business of polygamy.

After 3 months of intense – physical - dating with Tinder Guy # 4, he approached me and asked me a very strange question: "So? What do we do? ". I was not sure of the nature of his question or the answer I had to give... I asked him to be more explicit, and then he says "Should I consider you as my girlfriend?”. My mouth dropped, my eyebrows went uneven and my eyes narrowed – as if I wanted to look very closely to something. My first thoughts was "what is he talking, this idiot, he has been my boyfriend for the past 3 months," and like an electric shock going through my body, the image of the Google page - 3 and Date - appeared. In the last 3 months we were not “together”, we were testing the field like two polygamous apprentices Mormons.

The moral is that Google is always right!