Being Kachou

When you're a French girl in the country of lumberjacks, you also want to have your idyll with a big bearded guy remotely looking like a hipster with an ax on his shoulder.

So I throw myself into the adventure of seducing a Canadian guy, I thought that it was going to be an easy task but it rapidly became a path filled with obstacles. I will also re-label this article "When Kachou dated Goliath", just to give you a taste of the situation.

In France, when you're a girl: young, old, beautiful, ugly big, small, thin, fat; the seduction is in your genes and falls on you at a very young age. By seduction, I mean these hungry guys who think with their cocks and grip you as if you were a prey, but you could find 2 or 3 that can be ok!

With my insurance of a French girl and my skinny jeans, I went with friends to a bar. As Robocop, I analyze the bar and its content. Important thing to know, Canadians are not the most attractive people in the world – it is a fact. After my examination, I spotted a young man. Passive attack - engaged! I remain at the bar drinking my drink with my friends strategically positioned 3 meters in front of my "target". Wild deer eyes - engaged! I look at him, while playing with the straw of my gin and tonic. This has been 45 minutes that I'm drinking the same gin and tonic, and my target is still not reacting to my beautifulness. I am not fatalist, but it hurts my inside beauty, so I swallow the end of my gin and tonic and order another one.

I am switching to my target number two in addressing the same strategy: position, look and a touch of sensuality. Unfortunately a knock back again...- Giant stab into my ego.

Given these two bitter failures, I decided to download "Tinder". This app is revolutionary because you can speak only to guys with whom you got a "match" with. Well I grant you, it is also extremely cruel because you can, have zero "match". For Kanye West it would be the app from hell. So little advice, if you have the same ego as Kanye West (plus minus 20%) avoid using Tinder.

Here I am, entering this sphere of virtual seduction – exciting! After couple hours I end up with 10 "matches" - I'm not a girl posting pictures of me in a bathing suit. Having a match is like having an orgasm of champagne in your stomach - it stings, it feels good without a headache. For all of my matches I decided to send the same elevator speech "Hey! How are you doing?" or the variant "Hey! How's your day going?". Between the non-responses and the DTF (note: "down to fuck"), I began conversations with young Canadian males - My lumberjack is close I can feel it! After a few days one of them suggested to go out for a drink. In my head it was like and confetti explosion and I said to myself "I'll have the first date of my life" strange but satisfying feeling.

As a flashback, I picture myself sitting in the movie theater watching the movie "La vérité si je mens 2" (note: a French movie) and be at the scene where they are in a convertible and one of the characters says "you do not know what a date is? Date it is you think you'll fuck but in fact you're not going to fuck. "

Let’s go to that first d-a-t-e of my l-i-f-e! I arrive at the bar with some anxiety "Will I recognize him?” – Pressure. He arrives - late - we discuss it accompanies me to the subway, we kissed and we left each other. In "general" in France once you finished a date, you send a quick message to say that you had a good time and that you would like to see him/her again (or not) and all the crap – only if you spent a good night, if it was a great night you should had have sex. But, no message, not even a little "nice to meet you" or even a tiny "Have good night” from my date. This affront and the rape of my mouth – he kissed me without my express consent - I propose a date to "Tinder Guy # 2". But before my date, which was 3 days after my date with Tinder Guy # 1, I receive a message from #1 saying "I spent a really good time the other day, I hope we could do the same soon" my first reaction was opening my eyes very widely and expressing myself with a very Parisian "euhhhhhh? ". I responded by saying “sure will be great!” and I went see my Tinder Guy # 2.

The same scenario repeated he arrives- late - we discuss it accompanies me to the subway, we kissed and we left each other.

I started writing a little message to tell him I had good time with him and I wanted to see him again - Why not sending the message that Tinder Guy # 1 has sent me? It may be cruel, but I'm in real lack of inspiration right now... But, no response from Tinder Guy # 2.

Unexpectedly, 3 days after my date with #2, he replies to my text. And then there was like a light of intelligence standing on top of my head - I know this is a bulb but I wanted to write something more creative. Why two guys that I dated separately have the same habit...?

Not to dwell too much I suggest a second date to Tinder Guy # 2, the same scenario repeated he arrives, - late - we discuss it accompanies me to the subway, we kissed and we left each other. And as a non-surprise – surprise!!!!! - I get a message 3 days later. I deeply know that in this world hazards do not exist there are just coincidences - and the coincidences are as rare as lunar eclipses in Finland in the month of July.

Rubbing beard and reflection mode - Engaged!

First reflex when you want to learn and know something you Google it, so I type "3 and date" into Google, simple but effective because I found all the information about the rule of 3 in the date biosphere: - you sleep after 3 dates – he/she contacts you after 3 days - you're officially a girlfriend after 3 months - you can have up to 3 dates at the same time.

I would like to make a small digression on the multiple dating which, for a 28 year old French girl, is a weird concept and I am calling it unacknowledged granted polygamy. Basically you test with 2 or 3 guys and you chose the most viable one - survival of the species.

After my little Colombo moment, I embark on my third date looking forward to some body pleasure with Tinder Guy # 1 – it has been eight months that I'm alone so I’m allowed say that I want sex. As a kind of prophecy the rule of the 3 dates became a reality, as if Google was God and it knew everything about everything - Note to myself Canadians have small dicks...

I convince myself to start writing a thesis - with practice – around the date in Canada. I go on dates with Tinder Guy # 3 # 4 and # 5. It was as if I held the universal knowledge of the date, I know all the tricks, things to say and not to say, I was the queen of the date! But my reign was short, because after all my third dates I was able to keep only Tinder Guy # 1 and # 4 - and yes I started in the business of polygamy.

After 3 months of intense – physical - dating with Tinder Guy # 4, he approached me and asked me a very strange question: "So? What do we do? ". I was not sure of the nature of his question or the answer I had to give... I asked him to be more explicit, and then he says "Should I consider you as my girlfriend?”. My mouth dropped, my eyebrows went uneven and my eyes narrowed – as if I wanted to look very closely to something. My first thoughts was "what is he talking, this idiot, he has been my boyfriend for the past 3 months," and like an electric shock going through my body, the image of the Google page - 3 and Date - appeared. In the last 3 months we were not “together”, we were testing the field like two polygamous apprentices Mormons.

The moral is that Google is always right!

Welcome to Toronto, the city where by day women are real "working girl" dress chic, choc, classy, nerdy or trendy but never trashy - almost. But at night, the codes change and women reveal themselves! 

This is based on a true story - except for the parts that are not true. 

Saturday, June 23, 2012. 

With friends, we decide to spend our evening in a "club" in Toronto; it is one of my friend's birthdays so we take a "guest list" with 2 bottles of vodka. 

My style remaining sober, I opted for black skinny jeans with spaghetti straps top and open flat shoes - I wanted to wear my espadrilles (note: French non elegant shoes) but I changed my mind because I was afraid of damaging them in the “club”- I was dressed chic and sexy - wise decision - but I would soon realize that being sexy in Toronto has a whole different meaning.

Here we are in front of the club, a group of naïve French people, with a classy and contemporary Parisian style - rookie mistake. You should know one thing, in Toronto even if you are on the guest list you have to queue, which completely removes the main purpose of the guest list. Why creating one if you're going to tell guests to queue and wait, it's like at the butcher shop when you take your ticket with your number when your number is called, we are not asking you to queue again... 

But when we arrived the queue was practically empty, however in order to attract “chicks” - description below - the bouncer had the idea – a genius one - to ask us to queue. This means the line increased by 12 people, which gives the impression to onlookers that this club is the coolest in the area - Wrong. 

After few minutes, an unknown "species" of women, appeared in front of the club- The Chick... I chose this term because the chickens at night need to perch on a branch to sleep. The Chick wears a pair of shoes that comes with an 18 cm heel - minimum. These shoes are a deadly weapon for the ankles in my community - of non-hipster followers - they are called "ankle breakers." This first accessory is the most important - because we know that dancing with ankle breakers with your toes compressed and having dawning blisters is "so sexy." 

Let's start analyzing this strange species, passing through the legs full of glittery tanning cream, and then we have the dress of the chick - or a shirt without panties, depending on your point of view. The dress should be - super - fitting, because yes, having the bulge from the winter showing off is "so sexy." But beware the dress shall be short as well, like we should see your butt line - the one that never happens to tan. 

Let’s go up a little bit, in order to see the "face" - the first time I saw the face of a chick I got scared as if her face was owned by Frank Einstein. Do not hesitate when you're a chick to have a good and heavy makeup budget - or acrylic paint. Let's analyze the "beauty mask": First you need a -solid base - 2 mm foundation is a "must", then do not procrastinate on the bright pink blush to highlight your cheekbones. Do the eyes like Beetle Juice it must be black but classy - the chick has standards - but do not forget to put false eyelashes and if they take off slightly during the night, no worries you are still "so sexy." An important element - and often overlooked by women of my standing: the eyebrows, the bigger the better - like dicks - if yours are thin, this is not a problem, use a pencil! 

Going through the virgin forehead, and going directly to the hair - or lacquered cardboard chopsticks. The style may vary depending on the length, but you must curl it at the end “so sexy”. 

Chicks shall begin to prepare the Thursday evening before to be sure to be at the club around midnight on Friday. 

We are still in the queue, waiting for the bouncer to let us in. The bouncer remaining a guy - with a dick - seeing some abandoned chicks hesitating to enter the club, he said "come on guys, it is free for you" with these words the chicks felt like "VIPs" – OMG, we are famous girls I am going to tweet it, Instagram it, Facebook it -  and they finally decided to enter. Note to myself: the lower your cleavage is the faster you can enter in a club for free. 

We finally get in after 45 minutes on the line. As I said at the beginning we are on guest list, which should - in theory - ensure us to have a table and no cover – Nay!. After midnight the guest list is over, like the Mc Morning which stops being served at noon, but in reverse. And the lady at the entrance says "it is $20 cover" with a ironic smile on her face - do you want to take this outside brassy blonde. 

After this tumultuous and extremely long entrance, my bladder starts to give me kicks, I went to the bathroom with my friends and as an evidence, 30 chicks were in the queue - it must be the only time during the evening they have to queue. Once finished peeing, I am waiting for my friends at the bathroom entrance. During these 3 minutes and 18 seconds of waiting, a chick - who met all criteria – was comparing tattoos with another young chick. Super proud of her latest tattoo she is showing it to the other chick, the tattoo was not very far from her vagina - kind of Panther Paw "so sexy" - being in front of them and her not wearing any panties I had the honor and pleasure – like a real heterosexual - of seeing her pussy! I always asked myself whether I have a normal pussy or not; but that night I have been reassured by this exhibitionist chick that I have a normal and very common pussy – relief. 

With my friends we go on the dance floor with our vodka cranberry - favorite drink of the chicks! 

I shake my hips on the dance floor like Beyoncé in "I'm a single lady" but I was far from the chicks, who were giving a demo version of Miley Cyrus twerking her ass up "so sexy". 

The chicks handling badly alcohol - after 2 vodka cranberries the chick is hammered - this is the right moment for the "roosters" to enter the arena. The ball of the fingers and the cock on fire can begin! The chick is not shy - especially when they are drowned in alcohol - she does not hesitate to offer her vulva to the first finger they will see, what a pleasure to see roosters fingering with so much ease the chicks of their dreams "so romantic."

The evening goes on with some shitty music - my ears are bleeding- it is 3 am, it's time to go home. Show is over for the chicks who find herself disoriented. Ankle breakers are no longer at their feet, their dresses turned into t-shirt showing off her panties - or pussy - to onlookers, their false eyelashes made their way to their cheeks covered of mascara and eye liner, their hair turned into cheap hay. And then, the coup de grace, the ultimate chick’s Vomit. 

This was by far my best night out in Toronto, but especially the last one in "Disco-whore-Teque"